life is a waltz

Absolute blind panic set in last night. There I sat small whiskey in one hand, laptop in the other wondering what on earth to do. Everyone I know is pre-booked for their yearly hols but we are thus far on the hoilday shelf.

I don't know where this has all come from. A few years ago we would all wake up one saturday morning realise that we had a week off and book a nice week away to go argue in the sun!

There is now a completely different scenerio. Gone are the days of just going wherever, whenever, with who ever. We have been pondering for weeks, disscussing, arguing, looking, it is ridiculous. And the whole thing is even more stupid when you put into the pot that we already know where we are going!!!!

We are hardly planning a 6 month trek round the globe, nor indeed a idilic island escape, not even a cultural city break. So what is left you might ask? Well we are going to, now wait for it ...... a 4 night stay at ..... centreparcs. WHAT?

After our last relaxing (as far as you can use that word with 2 under 5s)break there it should be straight forward but no not in our household. We have opened a whole can of worms as to when the weather would have cheered up, when the 3 year old can miss pre-school, avoiding times around the girls birthdays and of course (ssh don't tell tell anyone) which events we can strategically miss by being away.

It has taken us a month of negotiation already, with friends and family asking constantly "any holiday plans this year?". IT IS ONLY January for goodness sake whats the hurry? Whats the panic? I will tell you what it is. Its that everyone else has booking up months in advance and thus we fear missing out or being ripped off.

The irony is that it is only for 4 nights and most of that will be taken up listening to the children throw tantrums, the husband pacing down to a go slow which annoys the hell out of me and generally life as normal just in a forest. So might just as well grow a few trees in the garden and stay at home but... I am actually looking forward to it - what?

No I am not describing the old adult game of ladies & gentleman or even doing a solo of the chilrens party song. What I am talking about is probably the most time consuming physical activity of our 4 strong household - adapting the soding car seat from the husbands last trip ready for my dash to the supermarket - it is driving us bonkers.

Everytime I managed to get out of the front door on time (which isn't as often as it should be) it always dawns on me that I forgot to allow the extra 5 minutes to fight the 3 year old and 9 month old into their car seats. Once they are safely and occupied I smile of success and then am slapped back into the real world when I drop very unlady like behind the wheel.

It is at this point that the neighbours must be twiching the curtains getting their daily laugh at my expense as there proceeds an arrary of movements that even the best of yoga instructors would love to achieve.

Now the problem is thus. I am a nice 5'2" and the husband a manly 6'2", in most areas of life ie reaching high/low places we complement each other nicely, but in the car department we despise of one another.

I have the seat right forward, him right back, me steering wheel on low height, him highest, me seat belt down, him seat belt up. On last count to I have to make 7 different adjustments to get into the correct driving position after the husband has driven and of course this would be ditto for him.

I am a great lover of the car and gadgets therewithin, I am often found watching repeats of Top gear (except for the one in which a sweaty James May goes for the natural look behind the wheel of a supercar) but come on all you car designers could we please put a little more thought into the car share scenerio.

Every family I know only have one car so there must be thousands of people hit with car rage before they even get off the driveway so is it no one we are all fuming by the time we get to the end of the road.

What we need is a computerised system by which we click on our name on the console and hey presto the car is ready for take off. I mean they have designed a mattress with a memory so how hard can it be?

Mind you it wouldn't solve the other problem of me nearly crashing through the bay window every time I turn the ignition on because the husband has left the sodding thing in gear again!

Without putting myself in same the bracket, there must be a high concentration of thick people living in our area. This does come as a surprise considering the amount we had to spend on our very modest 3 bed semi 2 years ago and the daylight robbery charge otherwise refered to as council tax that we pay but a trip to the duck pond has given me all the evidence that i need.

Now I grew up in Cambridgeshire with a duck pond a minute walk away from my back door. We went there daily unattended by an adult and threw bread to the ducks right from the waters edge, in fact we would often lay on our bellies hands in the water to grab frog spawn and other nature goodies. Living now on the far reaches of london our local duck pond has been wrapped in cotton wool for our children's safety.

To put this into some sort of context this duck pond is well set back from any road and is actually more of a puddle than a pond. One can walk around it with a slow coach three year old and a pushchair in less than a minute and there are so few ducks that one slice of bread can do the lot of them (thats includes the odd bit being stolen by the 3 year old and 9 month old). No child in my ten years off living in the area has fallen in or been injured near by so why oh why have the local grey suits had to waste my tax money messing with the place.

They have: 1) put a fence round the pond and half the grass(you can't get within 5 foot of the waters edge, 2) pulled up most of the plants, 3) put up safety signs, 4)repaved the entrance - which was already fine, and 4) shortened the opening times.

The cost of destroying this bit of local green spot must have run into the thousands and why do we need sodding safety notices telling us how to feed ducks. I am half expecting to see an ambualance resting out side next time I visit just in case some poor child manages to heaven forbid fall and graze a knee, but i suppose since no one is allow to put a plaster on a child in case of an allergic reation would be another PC bit of madness.

So I suppose the council's next steps would be to put half a dozen antibacterial handwash stations and footbaths on the exits, in fact why don't they just spoil all our childrens fun and freedom but concreting over the pond and getting some local artist to make a modern interpretation of a duck statute instead? - because the poor children might climb on the statute !!!!!

And i bet you do too? (read the title a letter at a time to see if you do)

Until quite recently I thought the worse thing about public weeing was the wriggly wait in the queue, especially if you have the mispleasure of taking a three year old with you. But now there seems to be a significant increase in the number of public toilet irritants.

So not only do you have to wait your turn in what always seems like the longest queue you have ever stood in, now you have the pleasure of toilet marketting to greet you and your arrival.

Most public toilets now have picture frame size adverts along the corridor leading up to the facilities, akin to the train escalator jobbies (if you will excuse the pun). I suppose it takes your mind of the reason for queuing and thus delays the inevitable at that crucial time. Execpt that the adverts are always for those sugary soft drinks or spring water - just what you don't need as you try to hold back the last consumed cup full.

Then just as you sigh a breathe of relief at getting into the cubicle low and behold there is another one on the back of the door. Now in normal public loos in the womens (obviously i can't comment on the gents) you get an aray of ads for ointment for 'down below' problems which really cheers the occasion along and then sparks the 3 year old off on a "why is the lady in the picture playing with her Girlie bit?" - dear god i just wanted to pee !!!!

Oh and in a resturant it is a completely different matter. There you have the establishment asking you to book a do ie a party, xmas lunch, or valentine meal (very romantic) - great idea "call our reservations line on ...." so i'll just do that now then shall I? or I could just write the number down for later only theres no loo paper to do so on - the PR guys didn't see that one coming now did they.

Our local Itailian goes a step further, language lessions on the loo, or 'looaphone' as I refer to it. So I can answer my call of nature and leave the little room knowing how to say "where is the nearest police station" in Itailian - now that is nearly worth queuing for.

Our local council is now the proud owner of a smartcar come mobile CCTV. Every day it can be seen roaming the roads booking anyone that so much a stops at a traffic light. It is the talk of the town and really getting people going.
This latest bit of kit is most readily seen at rush hour of course.
Now three mornings a week I join this rush hour traffic but on foot rather than in my car. My general observation is that it is not actaully the cars causing the problems but the dogs on the school run.
I don't mean the state of the mums at the gates (that is another disscussion) but the number of people that seem to use the school run as a chance to walk the dog. This is causing gridlock on our pavements. I have nothing against the domestic dog but please keep them out of my way.
Every morning I have to play the tiresome game of dodge the dog. They are everywhere. I have to swerve the buggy complete with the 3 year old on the buggy board (which i use only to keep my daughter from stepping in the doggy doos on the way to playschool) like a drunk drive on a country road. It puts 5 minutes on my journey time and there is not a grimmer domestic job than picking doggy doos out of trainer and pushchair grips with a 3HB pencil, not to meantine cleaning the hallway carpet because some has hidden too well.
This is now on top of the scooter problem of which no child in our area seems to have the ability to put one foot in front of the other but instead can rest one on a plank of steal and push with the other. It is manic we get poked by handle bars, toes gone over by the wheels and once again it is the non dog/scooter owner that has to dodge out the way because the scooter take 5 minutes to turn from a straight course.
So lets leave the cars that cause no problem alone and instead get the smart CCTV to sort out the dogs and scooters that are holding us all up.

Long story, well long I guess. It all started very nicely 18 months ago. I met a lovely lady with a girl the same age as mine at a toddler group, after a few months of chatting we changed numbers and occaionally got together for the girls to play. Little did I know!
Now the situation is driving me quickly round the twist and the more I try to get rid of it the worst it becomes, ARRGGGGGGGGGHHHHH.
My day starts with an 8:15am!!!! phone call which even if I say I have to dash can go on for an hour. Not of any importance i just get the old moan of her lastest arguement with the husband. As the day progresses I get 4-5 other phone calls to give a running account for her day- very interesting - not.
So don't answer your phone you might say. Well i got caller id especailly to avoid but this had the result that should I not answer within three calls she pops round to make sure we are ok. She even turned up on the doorstep with her pregnancy test piss stick when she discovered her 2nd pregnancy - strangly enough I was 3 months into my second pregnancy and so the start of the copycat.
Her children now seem to turn up where ever mine are and she pretty much dumps them on me to attend to while she natters with other mums.
And here now lies the problem, she goes where I go, knows who i know so I is making it very difficult to cut ties.
I cant even go on holiday after a year of moaning about English holidays, she has booked a stay at centre parcs just because a I and a load of the mums I know go - derrrr- and wait a minute she is going the week after our next trip- what.
So it looks like i am well and truely stuck with it, I should be flattered really but actually it irratates the hell out of me.
My next plan of action is to just get my husband to answer it all the time but after 2 days of trying this she just chats away to him as an alternative. So on to plan D which is .........?

Until the last few decades a button was merely a useful tool on our garments, however everyday the button is making its world take over.
This morning I had a rare encounter with another human being whilst embarking on a shopping trip. A lady of the next generation assisted me with a door. No I don't look 30 years older I was struggling with the pushchair when she came to my aid. We the proceeded to have a little bit of small talk the off I went to the next shop, feeling charmed by our cheery talk. The next shop had automatic doors and thus I was denied the chance of another bit of good old social interaction.
Then I got to thinking of just how many buttons now curse/inhance my world. Of course the good old (not actually that old) TV remote is by far the most used ( and hunted for in our house) especially by my 9 month old who is loveing teething on it, much to the dimay of my 3 year old when it hops onto a random channel. On which point both my girls on recieving a new toy look straight for a button to unlease a surprise, if the toy does not have one it is instantly dismissed as useless or broken. Even the humble teddy has to play three different songs from 2 different buttons to be deemed decent.
Of course the plain old button on my clothes are a useful as ever, but the new generation of button is in a league of it's own. Thanks to it i can now chop veggies, wash clothes, cook dinner etc with minimal effort. So it might be turning us all into lazy, obese people but lets look forward to how this could really change the world.
We keep hearing about how we must go out and vote so lets get our political parties on the TV in a sing off comp instead of the child kissing circus and we can use the TV remote to vote them off. It works for the music industry so why not embrace the button and get us all interested in the running of our country. In fact we could all vote by button on every time wasting law debated in the house and have a true democracy - so go button go!!!